Ah, Valentine’s Day. The only day of the year when screened individuals are treated as the national sport. But the best thing about this corporate sponsored vacation? It’s an excuse to chill out, eat candy, and curl up with our partner fact Valentine – our dog. Duh.
1. If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is a lot like Christmas, except for the sadness.
2. And there’s nothing meaner than being the third wheel on Valentine’s Day.
3. Friend: “What are your plans for Valentine’s Day?” You: “Me and bae have a reservation at Red Lobster.” Later:
4. Even later:
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5. You tried dating sites, but things just didn’t go your way.
6. The therapist said you should focus more on self-love, but after you left the mirror on your face one day, you decided you weren’t interested in this life.
7. But why waste time finding love when your true love is staring you in the face or, uh, stomping your feet?
10. “Cry all you want, human. Years of evolution have put fur to be an absorbent for human tears.”
11. Before entering Heaven, Jesus descends from the clouds on a golden dragon and hands:
12. You: “I’m baking bread for my honey this evening.” Friend: “Your honey? You never told me you had a husband.” You: “I don’t.” Friend: “…” You: “…”
13. You and your dog are the perfect match, and for Valentine’s Day, you could spend the whole day outside. Undoing these plans would be misbehaviour.
14. I mean, just look at these two suitors. You can’t leave them hanging. They brought gifts, damn it! gifts!
15. But you assume so he time you got it Human Valentine’s Day. sigh.
16. But dating is hard. Clay is almost difficult to blow out.
17. But fortunately for you, your (human) potential has found a way into your heart.
18. Even your dog is helping you with this one.
19. These first few dates might be weird at first…
20. …but it all pays off in the end.
21. But relationship or not, your dog will always be your Valentine. *cue sappy music*